Artwork,  Humor

Grootball League

New Yard Groot League (YGL) Brings Grootball to Worldwide Sports

grootball practice
Grootball held its first pre-season pick up game and the casual affair splintered into a chippy, all-out log fight.

What once started with a cold snap in early 2020, has sprouted the newest game on this green planet, Grootball.  

A game unlike its human cousin basketball, Grootball challenges the best crepe myrtle athletes ever gleaned and assembled from the property lot.

The players, full the grit and bark, each curved, nicked, and gnarled in their own ways, represent the best homegrown talent available from the Anderyard kingdom.  

Welcome to the biggest game for the amusement of today’s random sidewalk audience.  

Welcome to the big game in the Big Yard.  

Welcome to Grootball.

The words of the Grootball Commissioner and League Founder say it all…

"I saw this wonderful talent just struck down and left for dead - vegetating, decaying.  I knew there was enough of a good thing just lying there.  I just knew I had to flip things on their heads and put this league together.  The assembly of the players was fairly quick after the idea really took hold. You could see how fun it could be. I'm thrilled to bring this to the public."

Mr. Lawn Guy

Teams and Players

In its inaugural season, the Yard Groot League (YGL) will consist of two teams representing the best of the surrounding neighborhood, the City Park Oakey Dokes and the Back Yard Logjammers.  

League officials stated they wanted to start out with a smaller league citing game space restrictions, persistent mowing relocation hazards, and a limited amount of fallen and / or harvest-worthy raw resources at the time of league creation.

City Park Oakey Dokes Team Photo
City Park Oakey Dokes Team Photo
Back Yard Logjammers Team Photo

Right now the league’s plan is to have games seen curbside as often as possible until natural aging processes wears down the players or time, space or novelty runs out.  But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Grootball is the real deal and so are those willing to stick themselves into the fray.  

Let’s meet the players of Grootball!

Redwood Johnson

  • Player: Redwood Johnson
  • Nickname: Big Red
  • Height (Reach): 9′ (11.5′) 
  • Team: City Park Oakey Dokes


Redwood Johnson as a freshman at Sycamore View

Redwood Johnson, a soft spoken, walk-on freshman at Sycamore View College in Daisypatch, drew the attention of YGL scouts for his impressive height, no nonsense playing style, and sweet Mowtown groove.

“Big Red” wasn’t interested in Grootball at first, but a temperature crash in the 2019 winter forced him to be cut from his Frontyard Decor welcome post, a post he’d had for years and one he thought would never dry up.  Fortunately, with luck and some work, when a tree falls, it can be propped up again.  And in a short time, those around him will tell you, “his inner-Groot took root.”

Big Red was the leading scorer in pre-season.

Vyhalia Longblossom

  • Player: Vyhalia Longblossom
  • Nickname: Blossom or “The Tower of Flower”
  • Height (Reach): 7.5′ (9.5′) 
  • Team: Back Yard Logjammers


Vyhalia Longblossom cheering her win at the Miss Flora Pageant in 2019.

Vyhalia Longblossom has always been a winner.  She was winner of the 2019 Miss Flora Pageant as a senior at Cherry Hill High School.  She’s also won a short fiction literary competition for Tree & Branch magazine.

Blessed with long limbs and a competitive spirit she quickly asserted herself as the top female prospect in YGL history.  

In an effort to shake the “pretty flower” label, she clipped her flowing tendrils for league play.  Her attitude shined when asked about the move, saying, “I can pollenate whenever I want. But first, I’m gonna bloom.”

The league is proud to be the first professional league to mix male and female athletes of the highest level in a single competition.

Splintington Axeworth

  • Player: Splintington Axeworth
  • Nickname: Rough Cut or Splint
  • Height (Reach): 5.5′ (6.5′) 
  • Team: City Park Oakey Dokes


Axeworth at the World Premier of The Millhouse Murders, a film he co-produced as head of independent arthouse Wineberry Media.

Splintington Timberious Aweworth III could have stayed in the posh hills of Pomegranate Estates.  

The son of actor “Buzzsaw” Aweworth and heir to the Hive Hanger family fortune, “Rough Cut” was too brash for the wooden life-style and syrupy social scene of the mountainside elite. 

Axeworth started his arthouse film company Wineberry Media in 2018, producing hits such as the coming-of-age sapling romance Sweet Nectar, the drama Rain, Wash Over Me, and the thrilling, 2019 award-winning, log-ride The Millhouse Murders.

Aweworth is known for his on-court intelligence and his generosity, having bought the entire Azalea Bush region enough Miracle Grow for an entire year.

Gumby Applepalm

  • Player: Sydney Applepalm
  • Nickname: Gumby or “The Squid”
  • Height (Reach): 5′ (6.5′) 
  • Team: Back Yard Logjammers


Gumby Applepalm on his way to Woodpile services in Sappingly.

Sydney “Gumby” Applepalm was a standout poleman on the Garden Tech fence team.  His transition to Grootball was actually a fluke.  When waiting for the fence team’s forklift ride to Curbside, a scout noticed his unusually long arms.  

Having Gumtree heritage and having been raised in the orthodox, sometimes sticky, area of Sappingly, the nickname “Gumby” was almost a foregone conclusion.  

When asked about the name, Applepalm threw up his arms and said, “Ehhh. Could be worse. Whatcha gonna do? I’ll take it.” 

Thorn-Bob Nettles

  • Player: Thorn-Bob Nettles
  • Nickname: Hops or “The Connection”
  • Height (Reach): 3′ (4′) 
  • Team: City Park Oakey Dokes


Pinebluff Police file photo of Thorn-Bob Nettles, during his turbulent past.

Thorn-Bob Nettles hasn’t always been on the right side of things.  Part of The Grove, a disaffected group of driftwood hippies in the sun-starved hamlet of Pinebluff, Nettles found himself in run-ins with the law several times as a sapling. 

After early life of weeds and spices, Nettles cleaned up, pruned his focus, and brought his laidback personality and impressive talent to the Grooveball game.  

A fan favorite, he’s more than paid back society with a persona of kindness, humor, and passion for the little guy’s plight to overcome unfairly shady situations.

His short stature belies the key to his game – his vine-bending vertical jump.  Hence the nickname, “Hops.”


  • Player: Stumps McGee
  • Nickname: Stumpy or “Lil Bough Wow”
  • Height (Reach): 2′ (3.5′) 
  • Team: Back Yard Logjammers


Stumps McGee laying down some funk at an undisclosed party location.

Stumps McGee or “Stumpy,” is the shortest player in the league, but still a respected player and perhaps the most well-known.  

His quickness and creativity serve him well on and off the Grootball court.  

His music label Thick Stickz Lickz has produced numerous #1 pop hits in the past year, including this year’s undisputed party anthem “Funk in the Trunk.”  

Known for his bling-bling style and outrageous smack talk, he’s frequently in the popular news having been romantically tied to a number of budding starlets such as actresses Lily Meadows and Holly Berry, dancer Iris Seng, and most recently, pop music sensation Bluebonnet.